Jen told me about a friend who hadn’t kissed her husband in 4 days. They were angry with each other. That seemed odd to me. It seemed like they were dooming themselves to fail.
It’s Easy to Stay Angry. It’s Hard to Move Forward.
It’s easy to get angry with someone. It’s easy to embrace our anger. And it’s easy to become justified and obsess about how we’re right and they’re wrong. It’s hard to get past it if being angry is what you focus on.
There are so many people and things to get angry with. A spouse. A brother. A sister. A friend. A child. An employee, a boss, another department. A company. A technology. A politician.
When your anger toward them is sucking energy from creating the results you want in business, relationships or life, you are wasting your time and energy. It’s dumb. I do it. But it’s dumb.
The Longer You Wait, the Harder It Gets
When I was single I noticed that the longer I took to say ‘hello’ to someone in a check-out line, a bar, a library, etc., the harder it was to say ‘hello.’ The longer we isolate the harder it is to communicate.
The longer you wait for anger to pass, the deeper and more twisted the ill-willed narrative runs. The longer you wait, the more momentum builds in distancing yourselves. The longer you wait, the longer you will be inclined to wait.
You Get What You Really Want
You don’t have to want to kiss. You don’t have to want to touch. You don’t have to want to connect. It’s not about wanting to do it. It’s about what you want beyond that.
- I don’t want to work out. If I don’t I will be in poorer condition. I want to be in better condition.
- I don’t want to eat a grilled chicken breast. If I eat a chicken fried steak, I’ll feel like a fat ass. I want to feel lean and fit.
- I don’t want to call that guy to have a cup of coffee. If I don’t pick up the phone I won’t find out about that potential business opportunity. I want to find new opportunities.
- I don’t want to talk to Pam Falora about setting up a new business process. She’s arrogant and difficult to deal with. If I don’t talk to Pam I won’t influence the process that can help the business. I want to help the business.
- I don’t want to be mature and ask my wife for forgiveness. If I don’t choose maturity, I’ll be stuck, alone and in the past. I want to be connected and in the present.
There are plenty of things we don’t want to do now. These things often lead to the things we do want later.
There are plenty of things we do want to do now. Many of these things often steer us away from what we want to do later.
It Makes It Easier
Jen and I got into a blow out fight on the way to church on Sunday. It was ugly. I was ugly. Very ugly. The fight could have been a marking post for a bad change in direction for us. Thankfully, it wasn’t.
We touched hands tentatively after an hour. We kissed. We apologized a few hours later. We forgave each other before the day was out.
Choose to do the hard things that will make life easier (and more successful) tomorrow.
Call your colleague. Kiss your wife. Hug your kid. Extend an olive branch. Assume good will … the person you’re pissed at, isn’t out to get you. You don’t know if their dog died, their in-laws are in town, their struggling with their kids, some other jackass you work with stuck it to them, or that the mob is out to get them for gambling debts. Or it could just be that they are a jackass. It doesn’t matter. It’s not worth you being angry and stuck.
Get over yourself. You’ll find it’s a lot easier to get over your anger.
It will be easier to make-up if you kiss. That’s why we have that expression. And in that order.
Kiss and make-up.